bad relashionships

October 18, 2015

The Lack of a Title II

I could write

a million words

about how you make

me feel.

But that doesn’t matter

anymore.

The time for reminiscing

and being nostalgic

has slapped me

in the face

and left me

bruised and broken

and generally fucked up

a million more times.

So it’s my choice now

and maybe

just maybe

it’s time

to choose me.

October 5, 2015

The Lack of a Title

i am a fool

for you.

i can’t blame you

for looking.

Her beautiful body

was infinitely close

to perfection.

The curve of her breasts

and that of her thick ass

were impossible

to not look at

especially in that

crop top that

showed off

a perfectly flat tummy

and those Skinny jeans

that hugged

sexy, lean legs.

i love red lipstick.

She stole it from me

when you lusted after

her red blow job lips.

i can’t blame you

for looking.

But did you have to do it

in front of me?

While I looked at you

(With the very same love

That was Tearing me apart)

and felt every insecurity

that has plagued my soul

show its ugly face.

And did you have to talk

to her?

And ask her to sit with us?

With all that hunger

in your beautiful eyes,

you tore down years of

self mitivation

and positive thinking

and learning self acceptance.

And did you have to do it

in front of everybody?

i now know humiliation:

Other women looking at me

with pity in their eyes,

and words spoken to friends

as soon as i was out of

hearing range.

When you put

your arm around her

you simultaneously summoned

all my demons

and i was quietly possessed

by all the times

i’ve been rejected

and made to feel

less than human

less than woman

by my father

my baby’s father

Men.

i am a fool

for you.

and still,

when i lay next

to you that night,

all i wanted

was for you to

hold me.

September 9, 2015

Hello

I will be reduced to hello

After I have held your hand

While grocery shopping

After I have layed on your lap

In a park full of people

After I have watched you

Gracefully eating pizza

I will be reduced to hello

After I have tasted your

Full mouth

After I have felt those lips

Kissing away the pain of a long day

After I have looked into your eyes

While sweat dripped off your brow

And onto my naked breast.

After I have felt your naked heartbeat

On my hungry chest.

I will be reduced to hello

After I have loved your eyes

In a thousand Lifetime’s

After I have felt ultimate completion

At the appearance of your smile

After I have felt my mind become

Overwhelmed

My heart full to overflow

With millions of emotions

All in the tumultuous journey

That has been us.

I will be reduced to hello

When I have been your puppet.

Hands, feet, mind

All acting upon your command.

When I have given you

Everything I have to give

And everything that I don’t.

When I have cried in many more lifetime’s

For love that was always conditional

Inhibited

Full of fairytale expectations.

Having said this

It is you who will be reduced to hello.

Not because I don’t love you.

While I do, I also despise

The selfish indulgence

Of your invisible ego

Your never ending list of excuses.

Your inability to accept flaws.

Your suffocating originality.

Your ability to deceive my heart

Intoxicate my mind.

You will be reduced to hello.

It will begin and end

With the the two syllabyl word

That is hello.

Goodbye.

July 4, 2015

Time

Life is

only what we have in this moment.

waiting is pointless,

foolish even.

But i find myself

doing just that.

waiting…

and i’ll wait

With tears drowning my soul

and salt in my stubborn wounds

and clouds in my eyes

because so much of the beauty

that i seen in life

is in your palms.

And it shames me tremendously

to admit:

I don’t want to live without you.

January 28, 2015

Undoing

Clothes that I can’t wear

Food that I can’t eat

TV that I can’t watch

Books that I can’t read

Stories that I can’t tell

Doors that I can’t close

Doors that I can’t open

Windows that are sealed shut

Beds that I can’t sleep in

Letter I can’t unwrite

Smiles that don’t reach the eyes

Feelings that I can’t feel

Words that I can’t unspeak

Tears that I can’t cry

Pieces that I can’t put back together.

January 27, 2015

Souvenirs

I’d like to just keep what we have,

Because we just have so much:

Sitting on a scarf in a park

With your head on my lap talking.

Walking around the zoo

Wondering why they didn’t have ostriches.

Leaving pizza on tree stumps for the birds.

Having coffee

With flowers all around.

Analysing artworks.

Late night conversations.

Debates about music.

Curt Cobain.

Blu.

Laughing.

Not talking.

I’d like to just keep what we have.

It’s probably better than what we could.

Like how what we have is better than what we had.

And things would be confused

And way to complicated

And I’m just too selfish with my time

It’s me, it’s definitely me, not you.

Let’s just keep up this bullshit façade

this touchless tango

That is a monumental mind fuck.

I keep what we had

In a box

With all the dusty souvenirs

Of things that I wanted to make me happy.

I cough when I open it.

January 26, 2015

Labyrinth

To keep loving you

Would be to agree to be

Eternally trapped in a vast labyrinth

That is lined ground to sky

With daffodils

And you , like narcissus,

sit admiring yourself

In the body of water

That lies at the very middle,

Stopping only to call my name

At irregular intervals

So you can forgive yourself

For forgetting that you are not alone.

Stop being beautiful.