heartbreak

January 17, 2016

You May be a Kalopsia

I want to find my way back to you.
The you you were when
We were at the park
And your head was in my lap
And we were speaking about poetry
And music and life and all the things
We hoped we would be
And all the things we hoped
We would change.

I want to find my way back to you.
The you you were when
You held my hand
And walked proudly with me
In the mall to help me buy groceries.
When you pushed the trolley
And I pretended I was concentrating
On the difference in the prices of coffee
When I knew damn well that all I could think was:
“He is here with me”.

I want to find my way back to you.
The you you were
When we spoke about my writing
The you that made me feel like
The conciousness of the whole
World was at the tip on my tongue.
The you who made me want to write
And made me believe I could write.

I want to find my way back to you.
The you you were
After our bodies were exhausted
By the explosions that had consumed
Us. And we were candid and open and brutally
Honest about things we lied to ourselves
About everyday. The you that opened my mind
To things my heart had hidden away.
The you that was my sweet escape
The you that I wanted to be my forever
The you that felt like home.

How do I get back to that you?
When you are so many different things?
When you break me, where you know I have been broken before?
When you lie?
When you make me cry? All the tears.
When you make me second guess everything
That I though was true because
How the fuck could I have been
So incredibly wrong about you.

Can you get back to something
You aren’t sure was ever really there?

December 25, 2015

Caraphernalia

I refuse to keep any of it anymore.

I don’t want your pictures

And I don’t want the lighter you gave me

You can have my brush, it’s full of your hair anyway.

Take back your denim jacket,

I hope the smell of my perfume never washes out.

 

I am returning the scent you have left

On my pillow and on my sheets and in my room.

Take back all the dreams you gave me the courage to follow

You can have back all the hours that felt like seconds

Take back rap music and hip-hop

Take back the beach

No one can ever take me there again

Because every wave that breaks upon the shore

Will take me back to you.

Take back consciousness

And I don’t want Paulo Coelho anymore either.

Take back all the poetry I have written

And all the poetry I’m going to write

The whole fucking lot of it is about you anyway.

Take back the teeth marks you left on my skin

The ones that made me smile for weeks after.

In retrospect, you can have the smile to

I’m not really using it anymore anyway.

 

I’m drowning in your memories, in this saudade nightmare of all we are not, all we could have been.

These things that you’ve left me with keep me in a nostalgic depravity

My soul can’t take another moment of falling into your gravity.

 

December 14, 2015

Love in the Past Tense

Finally you have convinced me

That I am the convincee

Who has been convinced by you

That convincing someone to love you

is not something I can do.

And I have also been convinced that

The love I have, I can not contract

Nor distract, nor retract

All I can do is interact

With the memory, without hope to contact

Or be contacted.

You are the kiss on my inner thigh .

The one that makes me grit my teeth, and whisper my sigh.

But you, you fucking monster, only make me cry.

October 5, 2015

The Lack of a Title

i am a fool

for you.

i can’t blame you

for looking.

Her beautiful body

was infinitely close

to perfection.

The curve of her breasts

and that of her thick ass

were impossible

to not look at

especially in that

crop top that

showed off

a perfectly flat tummy

and those Skinny jeans

that hugged

sexy, lean legs.

i love red lipstick.

She stole it from me

when you lusted after

her red blow job lips.

i can’t blame you

for looking.

But did you have to do it

in front of me?

While I looked at you

(With the very same love

That was Tearing me apart)

and felt every insecurity

that has plagued my soul

show its ugly face.

And did you have to talk

to her?

And ask her to sit with us?

With all that hunger

in your beautiful eyes,

you tore down years of

self mitivation

and positive thinking

and learning self acceptance.

And did you have to do it

in front of everybody?

i now know humiliation:

Other women looking at me

with pity in their eyes,

and words spoken to friends

as soon as i was out of

hearing range.

When you put

your arm around her

you simultaneously summoned

all my demons

and i was quietly possessed

by all the times

i’ve been rejected

and made to feel

less than human

less than woman

by my father

my baby’s father

Men.

i am a fool

for you.

and still,

when i lay next

to you that night,

all i wanted

was for you to

hold me.

October 2, 2015

Reasons

Why do I love you?

because

you crinkle your nose

to the side when you

have to say something

you don’t want to.

Because your left eyebrow

looks like it wants to creep

over to your right eyebrow

And because your second toe

is definitely winning the race

it’s having with your

big toe.

Why do I love you?

Because our broken pieces

understand each other

even when our minds don’t.

because our souls,

as different as they are,

both know turmoil, pain, suffering.

Because, as fucked up as it may seem,

your selfishness, narcissism and

complete unavailability

are a drug for my heart

that only comprehends

self destruction.

Because I don’t love myself

nearly enough.

Because, although it is delusional,

I believe that I can be the reason

that you want to be better.

maybe our pieces could

make a breathtaking whole.

Why do I love you?

Because you make me feel

like I’m the prettiest, most intelligent

woman in the room.

Because you don’t want

to talk about the weather

or how I’m doing, or the latest fashion.

Because you want to talk about

politics, religion, growth, books, music.

Because you have an opinion

that is not based on mine

but you want to hear mine anyway,

and sometimes I can change your mind.

Because you have a rare understanding

and view of the intricacies of

the world we live in.

Because I can learn from you

and you from me.

Because you are ” simultaneously enchanted

and repelled by the inexhaustible variety

Of life”

I love you because

I know I shouldn’t.

Because you are the moon

and I am the sun.

Because you are the phoenix

among countless  pigeons.

There are many reasons why I love you.

I love you,

because you are you

and everyone else is generic.

September 9, 2015

Hello

I will be reduced to hello

After I have held your hand

While grocery shopping

After I have layed on your lap

In a park full of people

After I have watched you

Gracefully eating pizza

I will be reduced to hello

After I have tasted your

Full mouth

After I have felt those lips

Kissing away the pain of a long day

After I have looked into your eyes

While sweat dripped off your brow

And onto my naked breast.

After I have felt your naked heartbeat

On my hungry chest.

I will be reduced to hello

After I have loved your eyes

In a thousand Lifetime’s

After I have felt ultimate completion

At the appearance of your smile

After I have felt my mind become

Overwhelmed

My heart full to overflow

With millions of emotions

All in the tumultuous journey

That has been us.

I will be reduced to hello

When I have been your puppet.

Hands, feet, mind

All acting upon your command.

When I have given you

Everything I have to give

And everything that I don’t.

When I have cried in many more lifetime’s

For love that was always conditional

Inhibited

Full of fairytale expectations.

Having said this

It is you who will be reduced to hello.

Not because I don’t love you.

While I do, I also despise

The selfish indulgence

Of your invisible ego

Your never ending list of excuses.

Your inability to accept flaws.

Your suffocating originality.

Your ability to deceive my heart

Intoxicate my mind.

You will be reduced to hello.

It will begin and end

With the the two syllabyl word

That is hello.

Goodbye.

September 3, 2015

I Hate When Birds are Caged

Although I love

With no expectations

With no trepidation

Or hesitation

I know that

My love

Seems to you

Like a cage.

And you are a bird.

I hate when birds are caged.

Paulo, he described

The way I feel when I’m with you

Better than I could have ever hoped to:

I am the poor man

In someone else’s mansion

While I can not think of

Any place I’d rather be

While I am there

The thought of it ending

Is like a thorn in my foot

A leech

A mosquito buzzing by my ear

A burn on my finger.

I know that everything I have with you

I can only ever truely have in that moment.

But that moment

Oh that most treasured moment

Is like the earth to the universe.

I feel like I am your earth

When you are my universe.

July 9, 2015

Photographs

Taking them was

Like stealing sweets

From the sweet cupboard

When your 8 years old

At 11 in the night.

Looking at them afterwards

Was like biting into grapefruit

That I had though was an orange

But enjoying the bitterness

Because it was the closest I could get.

I wanted to delete them

But somehow they wound

Up being printed

And then suddenly

Without warning

they were

On my bedroom wall.

And every time I negotiate

With my hands to take them down

My hands win

And they stay.

And I am forced to look at them

A million times

Every fucking day.

And they seem to get more beautiful

Each time.

I’m going to take them down

I promise, I’ll win the ongoing

Negotiation and I’ll take them down

And maybe the pain will diminish

Fractionally.

I’ll take them down

Because I swear I am done

Looking at all I ever wanted

In those pictures

Of you.